sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
