I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
