He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
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