It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Randomize
