I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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