Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
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