I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
