he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Randomize
