I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
