woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Randomize
