My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I think I won the penis lottery.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Ladies don't puke and tell
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Randomize
