When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Randomize
