You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
