I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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