Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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