Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
