i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
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