More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize