Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
