I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
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