when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
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