I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
