Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
