Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
