He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
ttyl tear gas
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Randomize
