They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Also, beer. Big fan.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Randomize
