Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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