the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
