My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Randomize
