i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
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