The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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