The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
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