can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
