the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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