Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
