another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
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