If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
I just found puke in my bra..
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
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