I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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