He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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