one might say we're banned from that church
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Randomize