Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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