We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Randomize
