I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
