i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Randomize
