I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
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