im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
