Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
