So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
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