apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Randomize
