so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
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