it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Randomize