i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
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