didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
You're so nebulous sometimes
I am spending my child support on dildos
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Randomize
