I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
