Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
