What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
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